On the healing path, we tend to RESIST what we NEED the most. RESISTANCE drains our energy reserves and continually triggers the stress response - making it very difficult, if not impossible to heal from chronic health challenges.
For 15+ years, on my own healing journey, I did everything "right", or so I thought. I followed rigid diets. I traveled the globe to go to fancy treatments centers for "cutting edge" treatment protocols for chronic Lyme and CIRS.
I drank all sorts of "healing" potions. I purchased numerous "latest and greatest" healing and detoxification gadgets. I took all the "best" supplements money could buy.
My Diagnoses Became The "Script" That My Nervous System Followed; Especially During Stressful Times!
And, I did ALL this to perfection because I was desperate to get well and because I struggled deeply with perfectionism. I also STRONGLY believed that overcoming chronic illness was 100% a physiological and biochemical process.
Additionally, I clung to and defined myself by the diagnoses I was given. The labels of Lyme, Mold, CFS, and much more all became my "badge of honor". My life revolved around them.
These diagnoses consumed every waking moment and became the central theme of my life and the scripts to which my nervous system aligned - keeping my stuck in a perpetual stress-pain-illness cycle and leading to what I like to call "issues in my tissues."
Spiraling Into Hopelessness and Despair
Year after year and protocol after protocol, I not only remained sick but I became sicker in many regards; especially mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
The years of getting my hopes up about each new "miracle" treatment only to be met with disappointment and a quickly diminishing bank account crushed my spirit. I became angry, bitter, close-minded, and negative. The overarching mind-story that underpinned every thought I had was entitled "I am SICK and BROKEN and I will NEVER heal."
In 2012 I collapsed into a bull blown nervous breakdown that forced me to walk away from my teaching career. I had become disabled and could no longer keep up with life. During this time, I was given the gift of time and space away from the chaos of "normal" life; although I surely did not see it as a gift at the time.
I resisted the pain. I resisted the fact that my body and mind had collapsed to force me into a long state of much needed silence and rest. I clung to the notion of what I thought my life was and wanted nothing more to go return it it; even though the path I was on had landed me where I was at now.
I had much time to ponder my life and the trajectory of events that brought me to this low point and were preventing me from healing.
Rebirth, Transformation, and Deep Healing!
In my time of deep ponder, I came to the realization that there were many things I had resisted throughout the years that I needed the most to make my body, mind, and spirit whole again.
I resisted the things I needed most out of fear, self-doubt, and a closed mindset. I now clearly see and understand that I was not ready and open to heal until this point.
It took a near-death nervous breakdown for me to wake up and become conscious to the shifts I needed to make.
As I continue on my healing journey, I am no longer so closed off to my own resistance. I realize that within it, resides the answers to my continued healing and transformation.
As I stand now, I am so much stronger, more vital, more clear-headed, more resilient, and a much better person all the way around. I can now look back at the beginning of my journey into the soul-sucking abyss of chronic illness and clearly see all I resisted but truly needed all along and here they are:
1. Going back to the basics of healing and living my life in accordance to the laws of nature. You see, we are natural beings' governed by the laws of the natural Universe. The more we deviate from these laws, the further away from health we move. Up until my breakdown, I was way too caught up on "miracle" treatments that only addressed pathology and biochemical imbalances. I was so caught up, in fact, that I failed to realize the importance of simple things that were FREE such as going to bed at a decent hour, spending time in nature, and giving my body rests periods from food and technology. I resisted these aspects of healing with every ounce of my soul and I greatly devalued their role in the healing process.
2. The belief that my body truly could heal provided it was given the correct environment to do so; inside and out. "Create the correct environment and health will follow!". I clung to and nurtured the belief "I am too far gone to heal." Note: I was pretty darn far gone but where there is life; there is ALWAYS of HEALING.
3. Letting go of perfectionism, people pleasing, and NOT living in accordance with my core values nor speaking my truth. I was too fearful of not being approved of. Note: This is a continued work in progress for me but I step more and more into my own authenticity and truth each day and as a result, my physiology becomes more and more robust.
4. Walking away from a career that sucked the life out of me and one in which I felt devalued and disrespected daily. I stayed because I didn't think I could ever do anything else and was fearful to leave the financial security it brought - even though that meant sacrificing my health and sanity; and quite possibly my life. Going against my core values for so long, ground me to a pulp, kept me locked in survival mode, and prevented my immune system from recovering. Additionally, it prevented me from accessing the part of my mind that allows all humans to be the best versions of themselves; the prefrontal cortex. I will speak more about this in future blods.
5. Incorporating Mind-Body and Bio-Energetic medicine into my healing path was fat to "whoo woo" for me. I rejected these modalities because I believed the ONLY way to overcome illness was to address biochemically based factors such as chronic infections, mycotoxins, genetic polymorphisms such as the well-known "MTHFR" SNP (I like to call this the Mother F'er Gene), hormone imbalances, etc. I also felt that the ONLY way to do this was via biochemical based treatment modalities. I was very much stuck in my left brain and was only interested in evidence-based, scientific approaches that focused on pathology. I now know and embrace that every physical/biochemical illness has an equally influential bio-energetic counterpart. If we do not address our ENTIRE BEING, we will not heal. I am proud to say that because of this, I am now an NES Bio-Energetic Practitioner in addition to a Functional Health Practitioner and Holistic Lifestyle Coach.
6. Walking away (temporarily) from a very broken and toxic marriage. Once again, fear and self-doubt took over every time. My husband and I have since healed our marriage (which is a miracle if you knew how broken and toxic it had become!) and are more in-love and stronger than we have ever been. But, this would not have happened if I had not taken a stand and allowed my soul-wisdom to guide me versus my analytical mind.
7. Making reprogramming my mind for wellness a TOP priority. Those goes back to the fact that I did not believe thoughts, beliefs, or mind stories played a significant role in making somebody sick or preventing them from healing.
8. Embracing the fact that deep healing is truly a journey and transformative process that requires us to address ALL aspects of ourselves and how we show up in the world. Again, I wanted quick, linear, totally tangible, and biochemical ONLY healing; which does NOT exist. Well, it exists, but it does lead people to wellness; at least not my opinion and experience.
9. The understanding that one CANNOT and WILL NOT heal within the same environment, mindset, belief system, relationships and behavior patterns in which they fell ill in the first place. Nope! I wanted to and expected to heal without changing any of this - especially patterns within myself that were no longer serving me.
10. The ONLY way to see the change we hope to see in others and in our life is to focus on shifting the aspects in ourselves that no longer serve us.
Ok! So, that is my list of what I resisted the most within my healing journey. What are you resisting the most within yours? You may not even be aware that you are resisting anything. It could be a belief system you need to drop, a behavior you need to change, a relationship you need to end, a job you need to leave, and the list goes on. I would love to hear!!
Cheers to Deep Healing and Creating Sustainable Wellness!